Greetings,
since we live in a clown world with a clown economy, I felt very attracted to your very honest job description -- more so than any of the other jobs on this website.
I'm a British/Russian Computer Science Grad School dropout. This might lead you to think that I can only think analytically and do not possess proper writing skills, of course, but I would said that you're mistaken. I could verbally wing my way into the royal family and bang the queen herself if I wanted to.
The closest experience I have to copywriting is doing Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring Program. Since they don't share their numbers I cannot give you a proper estimate, but I'd guess that 99.99% of people drop out of it after 5 minutes. If this is not enough qualification, I don't know what is.
Hope to hear back from you,
ะะปะฐะด.